PLOT: A young, ambitious New York City matchmaker finds herself torn between the perfect match and her imperfect ex.

“How To Train Your Matchmaker.” A REVIEW of “Materialists.”
Our group met in the lobby of Scene One Spectrum 8 Theatres, and saw another group. A competing group. While dramatic music from West Side Story started in the background, as we stared each other down, and fingers started a-snappin’, they made a peace offering – a free movie.
Well, they weren’t paying for our movie, snap snap. But they did tell us that our planned feature for the evening, “How To Train Your Dragon” was not running due to a broken projector. Shock! But, we could pick another movie and watch that for free. Thank you, Spectrum.
We reluctantly decided to see “Materialists,” as it was the only one that fit our limited schedule. Hey, these young people need to get their sleep – going to bed after 10 seems to be their kryptonite.
We piled in to the theatre to see this movie about a matchmaker, played by Dakota Johnson. She is the lead, first up in the credits. Really? Chris Evans is next up… then a bunch of others… and finally, Pedro Pascal gets the envied “And” credit. If I ever appear in something, I want to be listed last with an “and” or an “and as.” I think those are the best credits.
The supporting cast is good to great. Their score on the acting meter rises if they are in a scene with Dakota Johnson, who barely registers. She walks through this movie like it’s the first table read, no emotion, her voice at the same monotone throughout. She drags down some of the cast as they don’t want to show up the star in her own movie with their own better talents, but it’s easy to overwhelm Dakota on the screen, with her blank stare and her steady drone that brings to mind Dr. Vassbinder, the long-winded, dull speaker mentioned by Captain Jean-Luc Picard during TIMESCAPE, an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Chris Evans plays Captain America, in spirit, as he swoops in (C.A. swooped, yes?) and saves the day (the scene) with his effortless charm and acting ability. The smallest change in his face says a thousand words about what his character is thinking, with a not-so-deep desire to hook up with Dakota again, for life. See – they dated for 5 years and…. …. does it matter?
Our matchmaker, the top matchmaker in the City of NY, who survives in her own beautiful apartment on just $80k before taxes (Yeah. Right. Sure. And she buys those clothes too?), meets a millionaire during the wedding of a client and plot ensues. Pedro is charming and suave. I had to ask, was Pedro always famous? Why have I only heard of him in recent years? Have to look up his IMDB page… I never said I knew ALL as a movie critic… I just review what I watch…
Matchmaker and Millionaire fall in “love™️” and she’s too busy looking at his $12 million condo as they kiss and head to bed to notice Pedro’s flaws – flaws we find out about later. Dakota’s character will learn throughout the movie about the importance of Love over love™️, that true feelings matter over money, and blah blah blah, oh god she’s talking.
Other characters will suffer so that Dakota’s character can grow. It’s like that woman in the fridge trope, our main character can only develop if others take the hit, but she’ll just glide on through, hair perfect, coffee in hand, making deals on the phone and a miracle offer to set her own salary – any salary – at the end of the movie. Spoilers? Nah. Even the most tortured character, the one I guessed was being killed (but wasn’t, but something awful DID happen) is healed by the end of the movie – happy endings for all.
At the beginning, and at the end, a caveman and cavewoman (literally) fall in love, our odd bookends for this movie that has the depth and meaningfulness of a fortune cookie, leaving you hungry for something much better.
Dakota Johnson, in this film, is a mystery. I have no desire to chase down anything else she’s done to see if this was a fluke, if empty and vapid is her style, if waving a cigarette around in the alley way, drawing smoke across Chris Evan’s face, in an effort to be cute…. egad, it was bad. Her haircut doesn’t help things either.
Too much? Too bad. Actors put their skills and looks on display for all to see, to judge. Many actors know how to use their skills to envelope themselves into a role, to lose themselves in the character, to actually be the character. Their looks are a tool, as part of the character, to make us believe the actor is the character. Could be beauty to enhance, could be realism, could be ugly, all to benefit the belief of the character. Actors have won accolades and respect for baring truth, age and sometimes a flabby ass, to make the most of their role. Others coast. Dakota is in neutral, rolling down a hill, letting others and the plot carry her along until she reaches the bottom, or end of the movie. Oh look, happy ending, because the script says so, because the writer and director planned it that way – not because of anything the lead did.
We joked, since the movie was free, that it would be fun to walk out and then write about the movie that was so bad, we walked out. Well – one of us DID walk out. It was NOT the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but when Megalopolis comes to mind as you are putting together your notes about a film – it’s a bad movie.
Chris Evans, Pedro Pascal and a bevy of others in the credits carry this movie.
MEANWHILE… AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE…
So, to be fair, because I thought I really piled it on, taking Dakota to task a bit too much, as maybe I was in a bad mood, that maybe the movie hit a little too close to home (I’M SINGLE DAMMIT!), I went to the IMDB and looked her up.
Madame Web. She was the lead in Madame Web, a super-heroine movie with no super hero. A Spider-Man movie with no Spider-Man. An action movie with no action. The only power she had was the power to induce nappy-time, in a movie that helped bring down the Sony / Marvel Universe once and for all. She was dreadful.
I regret nothing.